


all I need darling (is a life in your shape)

by schweet_heart



Series: Merlin Fic [203]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional Infidelity, Jealous Merlin (Merlin), Love Triangles, M/M, Oblivious Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Pining Merlin (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:23:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23374456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schweet_heart/pseuds/schweet_heart
Summary: “I’m going to propose,” Arthur said.Merlin nearly crashed the car.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin Fic [203]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/70688
Comments: 44
Kudos: 403
Collections: Finish that Fic Merlin!





	all I need darling (is a life in your shape)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Mitski's [_Strawberry Blond_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g685pAuKW34).
> 
> Please do not repost elsewhere or list my fic on Goodreads (or any other similar spaces).

“I’m going to propose,” Arthur said.

Merlin nearly crashed the car. After a moment of terrified confusion, he found his way back to the right lane, Arthur swearing loudly in his ear the whole time. “Jesus Christ.”

“You needn’t try to kill me before the wedding,” Arthur said, and he might have been trying to sound flippant but he was too out of breath. “Look, Merlin. I know you don’t think I’m good enough for her, but I love her. I really think we can make this work.”

“I never said you’re not good enough for her." _If anything, she’s not good enough for you_. “I said Gwen ought to get her head examined.”

Arthur smiled. He was pale, his hand gripping the safety handle, but he almost looked like he meant it.

“Does that mean I have your blessing?”

“Do you need it?”

“No.” Arthur tipped back his head and looked at him, eyes slitted, exposing the long line of his throat to the setting sun, and Merlin almost crashed a second time because of how beautiful he was. “But I’d like to have it anyway. It would mean a lot.”

As ever when it came to Arthur, Merlin couldn’t find it in himself to refuse. Arthur was his best friend. More than a friend—Arthur was family, in the strange, bone-deep way that Merlin had once thought meant they must be soulmates. He loved Arthur more than anyone on this earth, with the possible exception of his mother and his uncle Gaius, and he would do anything Arthur asked of him without a second thought, no matter how painful.

Even if it was really, _really_ painful, like this was.

He forced a smile, and hoped Arthur couldn’t see the misery beneath it. “Then you have it,” he said brightly. “Of course. I hope the two of you will be very happy together.”

“Thank you.” Arthur’s expression softened. He released the door from his death grip and straightened up, looking over at Merlin with sunlight in his face. “Will you help me pick out a ring?”

“Of course.”

They spent the rest of the car ride like that, with Arthur talking animatedly about his plans for the wedding, and Merlin contributing where he could, thankfully not required to do more than nod his head and make “uh huh” and “mmm” sounds in the right places. Arthur was oblivious to his distress, just like he'd been oblivious to the fact that Merlin had been desperately in love with him for years, just like he was oblivious to the fact that his soon-to-be-fiancée was head over heels for someone else.

It was a clusterfuck of epic proportions, and Merlin had no idea what to do about it.

Saying something to Arthur might destroy their friendship. If Merlin told him about Gwen and he found out later that Merlin was in love with him, he might think Merlin had done it on purpose in order to break them up; but on the other hand, if he told Arthur about his feelings up front like he probably ought to, Arthur might dismiss Merlin’s warnings as stemming from mere jealousy and marry Gwen anyway.

On the _other_ other hand, if Merlin _didn’t_ tell Arthur, and Arthur found out he had known about Gwen all along, when they did eventually break up Arthur would be well within his rights to never speak to Merlin again. It was one of those situations where Merlin couldn’t win for losing, and losing Arthur simply wasn’t an outcome he was willing to accept.

Surely Gwen would say no, when Arthur asked her. Surely she would finally do what Merlin had been waiting for her to do since he’d seen the way she looked at Lancelot, her ex, and let Arthur down gently. That would be the best option. Then Merlin wouldn’t have to say anything, his secret would remain safe, and Arthur would not have to suffer the pain of a marriage to a woman who didn’t love him anywhere near as much as he deserved. True, Merlin wouldn’t exactly end up with him either, but he didn’t care about that as long as it meant that Arthur would be safe and, in the long run, happy.

When Merlin pulled up outside of Arthur’s house and turned off the engine, Arthur undid his seatbelt and sat back, finally shutting up long enough to turn and look at him.

“You’re my best friend, d’you know that?” he said suddenly. “And I mean _best_. Really best. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

A bubble of helpless affection rose up in Merlin’s chest, tinged with a bittersweet longing. The worst part was that he knew Arthur meant what he said, and would still mean it even after Merlin confessed everything to him; he was that sort of guy. But while having only Arthur’s friendship was something Merlin could live with, having Arthur’s pity was not.

“You’re my best friend, too,” he said, looking over at Arthur and dredging up a grin. It wasn’t Arthur’s fault he was so completely obtuse, after all, and if he weren’t, he wouldn’t be the man that Merlin had adored for half their lifetimes. “Gwen’s a lucky woman.”

Arthur leaned over, then, and hugged him awkwardly, his head fitted against Merlin’s shoulder, breath a warm gust against Merlin’s neck.

“Thank you,” he whispered, and Merlin hugged him back, fisting his hands in Arthur’s jacket and closing his eyes against the unexpected prickle of tears. Arthur was seldom sentimental, and Merlin could count on one hand the number of times they’d hugged each other like this, despite having been friends for almost fifteen years. He sent up a mental prayer that Gwen would do the right thing. Arthur deserved better than a woman who didn’t love him with every tiny scrap of her heart.

He deserved better than Merlin, too, although Merlin was selfish enough to hope that somewhere, deep down, Arthur himself might someday disagree.


End file.
